Words come easily, just not when dating

Words don’t fail me when writing, nor does it happen when talking (generally). That doesn’t mean I do or say or write the correct thing when it leads up to or comes to a date.

Everyone travels along the dating path at some stage in life. Then the successes are decided depending on what the dating pair intended for the outcome to be.
Fling?
Long term?
Fun?
Tester?
Friends?
Friends with more?
Many times what you are searching for is not what your dating partner wants. Not that this matters, because they may play the game and nod to whatever they think they should agree with, and shake their head when otherwise required. This added to an observation or funny anecdote and suddenly the date is being wooed without them both actually being on the same wavelength. Either way, your words and the way you hold yourself will determine what result is eventually achieved.

Meek: Maybe you decide on the old proverb, “open your mouth and crap may come out.” Don’t quote me on that being exactly correct, but it’s the general gist.
The result of this can give your date the idea that you can not make decisions, do not have original ideas, you’re shy, you have something to hide, and finally that you might be like this all the time and will therefore be awkward to be around in the extended future.

Happy: Generally this is something I can associate myself with. And I think happy is best.
However, it can also take on some of the other three dating classes listed here. Laughing at every joke can be bad, especially when a joke wasn’t made. Smiling at your partner until it becomes creepy. Or seemingly drunk when you have only been sipping on a hot chocolate. A meek smile can only be pulled off by the most genuine person.

Confident or arrogant: Females and males can fall into this area. I have never experienced a date with an arrogant or confident male, of course, but friends of mine have. Confidence can be very good, but hard to make yourself take on that persona, plus there is a line that you can’t see but your date can and will turn off as soon as you cross it.

Clown: Juggling, card tricks, showing how you can stand on your head. I think these are all great things, but that may also show why I am still single.

What about online dating. Emails. Profiles. Crazy internet weirdos. This also makes you wonder about internet etiquette, but more about that at the end.

Profiles: What to put in there? Can it work? For a small minority I think it can, but once you have a smorgasbord of people at your finger tips as well as their private information they had to think long and hard about, you start to either become more picky, or already have your doubts about anyone who needs the internet to find someone.
Most people will go by the pictures and only read the profile information as a follow up.

Some examples of not so good pictures:
Pictures from a failed marriage would not be a good idea to include. Maybe a picture with a tiger or monkey? Selfie in the mirror? A picture with no top on or less clothes than you would go outside with?
Heard it all before?

If you’re potential date is still deciding, they may read through your profile and see if you both have something in common. Mostly they’ll say no or close your profile and come back to it before the end of the day and then decide no anyway.

Who am I?: It’s not often we have to take a look inside ourselves and then note down what we find.
Most will talk about their personality, hobbies, what they do with friends and what person they’re looking for. And that’s probably the best advice.
EVERYONE says they are down to earth and love their family and friends. And if you like to be like everyone else, feel free to do the same.

Emails: Tricky. Very tricky also if you like to kid around. You may get caught out where a person doesn’t know your kind of sense of humour, or just wasn’t expecting it. Or, you just may not know how to get your joke across properly and may end up insulting your potential date.
You also don’t want to come off sounding bland, so just sticking to the facts about yourself and the weather may push the person away and have them thinking you’re a passionless robot.

Who are you?: You may not even know who you are looking for: A person with four limbs is preferred, but not essential, can talk at least a bit, and can pay for his own drinks or meal.
If you get too picky you may be left behind while everyone else snags a person. Tough line, but the thing is that you can never learn who a person is by reading a profile, reading an email, or even meeting a person on a date knowing that you’re both being severely judged. And if you say or do one wrong thing, or don’t do what your date expected or wanted you to do, you will be scratched off the list.

At least before the internet you would get to know someone at a bar or at a friends gathering for a few minutes before suddenly realising you could ask this person on a date. You also got to see how this person interacted with others. This gave you a great idea on what type of person they were.

Internet dating etiquette. Are there rules? What are they? Do we care?
Yes, there are some rules to follow. No you are not allowed to be an asshole because a person is not face to face with you. Yes, you do have to be respectful and realise their time is as valuable as your own. (Please feel free to add to this list as well as disagree with any already on this list:
1) Reply! It’s only common decency.
2) Don’t get in touch if you don’t like replying to emails.
3) Don’t get in touch if you don’t like meeting your dates. If you prefer to only email, you may want to find a pen-pal.
4) First date is not really a date, so best to go with a drink or cuppa, not a meal.
5) Paying for the drink or cuppa should probably be by each individual. However, the person who paid to contact the other person may deserve a free drink? Still, old customs such as the guy paying for everything is hard to overlook.
6) You don’t have to pay for both drinks if you are not interested, only your won.
7) If you do decide to dine together, then paying half each may make you feel better if you do not intend to see that person again.
8) Profiles and emails are not the same as a person in real life. Get to know them again once you meet in real life.
9) 30 min to 90 mins is fine for a first date.
10) Don’t ask 20 questions. It’s not an interview. Talk about things you would normally do so with friends. If you like someone you already know everything you need to know. The rest will be found out organically and over time, like it was before the internet.
11) Treat others how you would like to be treated. That should be a given. Still, when you act, think about how you would feel if someone else acted that way to you.
12) Don’t roll your eyes.
13) We all have baggage, it’s normal, so try not to show all your “crazy” on the first date. Spread it out so you sound normal.
14) Don’t judge. A person may be very different from their profile, emails, and when you first meet. Shyness is something that is eventually overcome. So is awkwardness. If you’re a nice person, you will help them through this shyness instead of shun them. Your reward may be a very nice and giving partner.
16) If you are after sex and not much more, it’s ok to put it in your profile. Then you’ll find each other much more easily. Then people who want a relationship can find each other more easily too.
15) Reply to emails/messages!

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About matclarke

Writing became a hobby at the age of ten, boredom being a great catalyst. Whenever I had an idea I would put words to paper until something interesting was produced. I have always loved dreaming up and writing new stories. I wrote from the age of 10 and also built or designed unusual contraptions and created tools for working with assorted wood products. Creativity has always been my thing, however, no other person within my extended family harbours this same creative gene, so I always assumed I was odd rather than artistic. My non-fiction work has been inspired by my letter writing to government bodies and assorted companies, either to request information on a current associated issue or to offer a solution to an ongoing problem with (if a local government) traffic, public transport, spending, banks, etc. And (if a company) an idea for the product so that it could become better accepted by consumers, or in some cases, healthier for consumers. In December 2009 I came across a story I had begun a month earlier but so far written only a single page. I read it again and realised the story was not only interesting but also had the effect of creating excitement as to what would happen next. I immediately decided this could be a great beginning to a piece which could become my first full length novel, Wake (working title). The idea for Wake was born from a writing retreat on the outskirts of Bendigo, Australia. I had taken a break from punching keys on my laptop and walked from the small cabin into the night. Now standing in the silence with the tree canopy looming above, I watched the breeze adjust the leaves ever so slightly—barely enough to create a rustling. It was a creepy, lonely night; isolating beyond anything I had experienced. I smiled. An idea seeded: What would it be like to wake in the middle of nowhere with no memories and no idea of how you came to be there. Wake, is my first completed novel and I am currently 45,000 words into its sequel. I am also editing, Citylife, my second completed novel, and finished writing my third novel, Blue, whilst on a return trip from the US where I visited for book research. You’re welcome to have a read of some of my short stories on my website. Let me know if you liked them. In addition, my writing group and I have completed two anthology of short stories, with another to be completed in April. See my website for more information.
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One Response to Words come easily, just not when dating

  1. MeAndDating says:

    It’s a numbers game. Put another way, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Frustration and desperation seeps out and comes across very badly to the other person. Internet dating is not a panacea and nor can it work for everyone. You will grow as a person because of it…I have.

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